call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Randomize
