Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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