I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
