i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
