let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
