im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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