I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize