the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
