he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
