Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
