YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
