I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
