she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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