Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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