They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize