I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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