I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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