o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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