do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
