Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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