I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
