I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
