Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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