I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
