"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
