dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
