So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
my nose is crying tears of wow.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
