Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
