Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
