when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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