the condom got lost in my hair
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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