3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
