Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
