My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
