If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
