pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
