had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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