Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize
