Umm I'm too high to move.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
