I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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