MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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