Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
