I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
