At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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