Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize