Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
