my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
