she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
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