if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
