i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
