he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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