I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
