i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
