every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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