His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
