Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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