Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Dick very happy bro
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
