I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
