we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
